Half of the marriages in our society end in divorce. We decry this abuse of the marriage commitment, but the fact is that there are just as many divorces among believing Christians as there are among unbelievers. If marriage is sacred, it is so because Jesus made it so, yet the people of Jesus seem to be treating divorce with the same carelessness as unbelievers. This is a travesty—or is it? What did Jesus really say about divorce and remarriage? What if we were wrong about the evil of divorce? Well, let’s look at what Jesus says and make our own decisions:
“Don't you know your Bibles? God created humanity as a man and a woman and He said, ‘I made them two sexes so that a man would leave his parents and establish a new family and the two individuals would become one flesh.’ Clearly, then, God said that the two are not two, but one. Since God welded the two together, it would be an act of evil for a human to tear the two apart." Matthew 19:4-6
What is Marriage?
Before we understand what divorce is, we have to understand what Jesus says marriage is. Jesus points out that marriage was established at the time that God created men and women. Jesus says that God created men and women to be paired off, united together. A man is made to separate from his parents and to be united with a woman. Once they are united by their mutual commitment, then they are a new family—a unique entity, a separated unit from the families they came out of. So what is marriage? It is not just two individuals living together, seeing if they can handle it. It is not a government-processed document. It is a God-created unit, established by mutual commitment, sealed with a sexual union.
What is Divorce?
Given Jesus’ understanding of marriage, what does that mean divorce is? The idea behind divorce is that it is freeing. There was a commitment that was limiting two individuals, and now they are free from that commitment. There was a family, and now that family is dissolved. For those who initiate divorce, it is a positive thing, an act of freedom.
For Jesus, however, there is another component. The marriage, the mutual commitment, the unique family itself, was created by God. God didn’t just create the institution of marriage, but he creates each new family made up of his people. The two are united by God. And so a divorce isn’t a document of freedom, but of rebellion. A divorce isn’t just splitting a family, but it is spitting in God’s face. Divorce is saying to God, “Your creation means nothing to me. And I can break it any time I want.”
Personal Results of Divorce
"Moses didn't deny you divorce because of your rebellious stubbornness— but this was not God's plan in creation. Hear me— anyone who divorces his wife and marries another is unfaithful to his marriage commitment, unless the marriage was already broken by unfaithfulness.” Matthew 19:8-9
So what is the result of divorce? The first result of initiating a divorce is a break in one’s relationship with God. Divorce is an indication of one’s rebellion against God. God may be patient with rebellion, but he does not live with rebellion. Divorce is a sin, because it is denying God’s work and plan.
But Jesus says that divorce is even more serious than that. This is because a divorce is usually built on a lie. A written divorce implies that it is this piece of paper that has broken the marriage, and that the document itself dissolves the commitment. However, Jesus says that a piece of paper does no such thing. A divorce is like a grade-schooler telling his friend in anger, “You’re not my best friend anymore.” But just because it is said doesn’t make it so. Only when that child gains a new “best friend” is that initial friendship broken.
Even so, Jesus says that a marriage is not broken by a divorce. Rather, it is the commitment and sexual union with another that breaks that marriage. Thus, a divorce doesn’t actually “free” anyone, but it sets them up for a new level of sin. Not only does a divorce spit in the face of God’s creation, but it also makes one believe that one is free to be sexually committed to someone else. Which means that they are set up to participate in sexual sin, as well as rejection of God’s creation. Thus, one sin leads to another.
Relational Results of Divorce
“You’ve heard it taught, “If you want to divorce your wife, just give her a written notice of the fact.” But I command you that if you divorce your spouse you are causing them to be unfaithful to your marital covenant—unless they have already been unfaithful. This means that if you marry a divorcee, you are committing adultery.” Matthew 5:31-32
Jesus’ main point in the sermon on the mount, though is not what divorce means to the one initiating the divorce, but what the divorce means to others. Again, a divorce makes it seem as if one is free to be sexually committed to another person, but it isn’t true. The marriage commitment still exists. So if we initiate a divorce, then it may seem good to our spouse, or even necessary, for them to marry again, and so have a sexual commitment to someone else. But what does this mean? It means that the divorce encouraged both of the people in the new marriage to have committed adultery—to have committed a sexual sin before God. Not only has this act of rebellion broken one’s relation with God for oneself, but potentially for three people altogether. Jesus’ point here is that divorce harms others, not just oneself. Divorce is not a personal act of freedom—it is an act of destruction, of hatred against others.
Is Divorce Always Wrong?
Is divorce a consistent evil before God? Not necessarily. Again, a divorce is a document that communicates the dissolution of a family. While the divorce does not create that division, it may be used to legally establish that the family no longer exists. Divorce doesn’t break a marriage commitment, but sexual commitment to another does—this is also known as unfaithfulness or adultery. So one whose spouse has committed adultery has the right to initiate a divorce.
In Christ, however, we have to ask whether we want to take up that right. If our spouse has committed adultery once—or even more than once— and is deeply repentant, Jesus says that we must forgive them. This doesn’t mean just that we don’t hold bad feelings toward them—it means that we completely reconcile. This could also mean that we set aside the formality of divorce to see if we can re-establish the broken marriage.
Is Remarriage Always Wrong?
In the same way, Jesus does not ask us to look at each and every remarriage as evil. A remarriage that occurs when the old marriage is still intact is adultery. But if the old marriage has already been broken by adultery, then it is not evil. Once someone in a marriage has sexually committed to another outside of that marriage, the marriage is broken for both of them. The unit is dissolved, and it no longer exists. Thus, if the other former partner wants to remarry, it is acceptable, and it is not a sin in any way. It is the breaking of the marriage that is evil.
It’s Too Late!
But what about those who are already divorced and remarried? Are they in perpetual sin, without the possibility of forgiveness? What is to happen to them? First of all, God is more than ready to forgive those who sinned out of ignorance, if they would but confess and repent of their sin. If you have committed this kind of sin in the past, repent of it before God and God will wipe it off of your record. It will not be held against you.
Does this mean that the current marriage is a sinful one? Perhaps it started that way. But it is a new commitment, a new family, a new God-established unit. To break this commitment to return to an old one is throwing one sin on top of another. Once the marriage is broken, it is broken. Yes, it could be established again if another commitment is not made. But if you are in the midst of a sexual commitment, do not break it—it is established by God, just as the first one was.
4 comments:
Interesting post. A couple of questions remain unanswered though (in my own thinking, not just in your post).
First of all, why does Jesus say, "anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress"? We can explain this by saying the culture of the day necessitated a woman be married to have an income, but I'm not certain that is true. Besides, Jesus does not say the divorced woman becomes an adulteress if she remarries, only that she becomes an adulteress. However, if we understand adultery as breaking the one-flesh unit of husband and wife we could infer that both people from the unit are adulterous as a result. The problem there is that if an unfaithful husband divorces a faithful wife, she would be guilty as well. Can we really anticipate a blanket statement from God that a divorced person is guilty because of the other person's sin? Given the Old Testament punishment for adultery, I really don't think so. So the first suggestion seems the more likely: that a woman in Jesus day needed to be married to have an source of income (her husband's). So what do we do with the fact that Jesus does not say the divorced woman becomes an adulteress if and when she remarries, just that she becomes an adulteress?
Secondly, you use the phrase "sexual commitment" both of sex within marriage and of adultery. However, adultery needs no commitment. A one-night stand is still adultery. I think you may be over-rating the significance of our human commitment in making a marriage. Paul warns against uniting Christ to prostitutes, so the joining of people be the act of sex seems to be substantive. Sex, then, creates the one-flesh, the new unit. It makes no difference whether we are committed to the person with whom we have sex. Don’t you agree? But perhaps this was what you meant and I simply misinterpreted your words.
I am tired of abusive men using this verse to coerce their abused spouses not to divorce them.
I agree with you. Many verses in the Bible are used to abuse people. Yet the whole point of the sermon on the mount is to apply the principle of love to the law, even, in some places, if that means to change the law. To use a phrase of Jesus to abuse another is in opposition to the intent of Jesus' teaching.
It is sad that still these scriptures are so unclear. How could it be that a put away or divorced woman is now considered an adulteress, according to these scriptures.. somehow infected.. and hence able to 'infect' any man that may love her. Why can't we just get clear on this and stop making out God to be a monster!
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